Sunday, January 27, 2008
This World of Unspoken Words
Right now, I don't care about myself. There is no more use for me (why?). The rest of the story that I've left untold, though which still goes a long way, I will not say. But, I'll warn you: Dark things can truly go deep. My only hope is that the right people know that I am not one of them. No. I'm still one of us. And that you have my hope and faith. You have my dream. Conserve your energy.
Let's try to be objective
I'd probably say, especially applying to the asian community, that the majority will have a jaded view of me.
I'd probably say, they wouldn't know the details of the whole story.
I'd probably say, little information was passed out, even though I typed out heaps.
I'd probably say, things would be lost in translation, especially through censorship.
I'd probably say, it serves more of a benefit to condemn me in this story, because of the original intents of the scheme against me.
I'd probably say, for those who could even make sense of it, will still be out for revenge.
I'd probably say, the taste of revenge is sweetest.
I'd probably say, pessimism overrides optimism, e.g. resentment issues, using social anxiety insecurities as a crutch to my arguement.
I'd probably say, out of all this, at least I've still helped this world, if a person can get their head around it all.
I'd probably say, this entire load of crap should make me untrusting about the future.
I'd probably say, it's easier for all of us to remain as cowards (but I'm not saying who are the real cowards)
Ah well, at least I know what I'm going up against.
I'd probably say, they wouldn't know the details of the whole story.
I'd probably say, little information was passed out, even though I typed out heaps.
I'd probably say, things would be lost in translation, especially through censorship.
I'd probably say, it serves more of a benefit to condemn me in this story, because of the original intents of the scheme against me.
I'd probably say, for those who could even make sense of it, will still be out for revenge.
I'd probably say, the taste of revenge is sweetest.
I'd probably say, pessimism overrides optimism, e.g. resentment issues, using social anxiety insecurities as a crutch to my arguement.
I'd probably say, out of all this, at least I've still helped this world, if a person can get their head around it all.
I'd probably say, this entire load of crap should make me untrusting about the future.
I'd probably say, it's easier for all of us to remain as cowards (but I'm not saying who are the real cowards)
Ah well, at least I know what I'm going up against.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Why let people believe absolutely whatever they want?
It's because telling them the truth will destroy them no matter what.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
A True Story Full of Falsehoods
The situation is only convulted because it isn't balanced right.
Nothing is beyond reconcilliation, but my recovery may still be close to impossible.
That's because it's more than likely that no one else has the full story, but me.
In the end, what happened, happened.
And things do happen for a good reason, sometimes.
You've seen my limits.
I've seen your limits.
Yet, none of us will see eye-to-eye.
Or, at least, we just aren't there yet.
To me, that is true - more than likely so, since I'm the only one speaking here.
Nothing is beyond reconcilliation, but my recovery may still be close to impossible.
That's because it's more than likely that no one else has the full story, but me.
In the end, what happened, happened.
And things do happen for a good reason, sometimes.
You've seen my limits.
I've seen your limits.
Yet, none of us will see eye-to-eye.
Or, at least, we just aren't there yet.
To me, that is true - more than likely so, since I'm the only one speaking here.
Monday, January 21, 2008
The Tragedy
The best liar will always getcha = When bad people don't even realize that they're actually bad
The Untreated
Social anxiety disorder (S.A.D.) and shyness can be a powerful thing.
It is elusive, and will affect everything you do, if left untreated.
It will make you both stronger and weaker - a cursed gift.
And it keeps you in constant check.
But it can even make people believe you could betray yourself.
A constant inner struggle.
It is a fight between fears of the worst kinds and the best of your beliefs.
Through it, a small pounding heart will die fast anyway.
It is elusive, and will affect everything you do, if left untreated.
It will make you both stronger and weaker - a cursed gift.
And it keeps you in constant check.
But it can even make people believe you could betray yourself.
A constant inner struggle.
It is a fight between fears of the worst kinds and the best of your beliefs.
Through it, a small pounding heart will die fast anyway.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Funnies
The world's a big dance floor, but I just can't dance.
I still need my legs for walking though.
I still need my legs for walking though.
The Nearly End
Over a year ago, prejudice and bias plagued my life.
From my bosses to my friends... almost everyone.
I know that everyone has betrayed me.
I will absolutely not let that go.
Though I understand why everyone went that route.
I can understand why everyone was shrouded in despise and darkness.
I can see the meaning of the sentencing.
And you've all tired me out about it.
There is no more meaning left in my life.
I'm sure you'll all understand the consequences of that, eventually.
There's never such thing as too much care.
Only too little.
If you think that I cared too little, it is a fate that I have to accept.
If you think what happened to me was right, it is a fate that I have to accept.
But I promise, I won't worry about you anymore, if you thought I cared too little or too much.
Either way you want me doesn't matter because you may be still biased.
Hence, nothingness is the new me.
But, if only one favor I could ask.
Try to read inbetween the lines without vileness.
From my bosses to my friends... almost everyone.
I know that everyone has betrayed me.
I will absolutely not let that go.
Though I understand why everyone went that route.
I can understand why everyone was shrouded in despise and darkness.
I can see the meaning of the sentencing.
And you've all tired me out about it.
There is no more meaning left in my life.
I'm sure you'll all understand the consequences of that, eventually.
There's never such thing as too much care.
Only too little.
If you think that I cared too little, it is a fate that I have to accept.
If you think what happened to me was right, it is a fate that I have to accept.
But I promise, I won't worry about you anymore, if you thought I cared too little or too much.
Either way you want me doesn't matter because you may be still biased.
Hence, nothingness is the new me.
But, if only one favor I could ask.
Try to read inbetween the lines without vileness.
Why I like video games:
'Cause it keeps my mind off mundane thoughts which drive up my anxiety e.g. my life's problems, etc.
Why it appears that I'm spoiled:
Okay... actually, you got me because I can't compare to you guys. But then again, are you really gonna compare yourselves to me, as well? Please, stop worrying about me and just worry about yourselves. Each person has to deal with their own set of problems that cannot be answered by even their close ones. If you really wanted details (which you don't) then don't bother.
Why Sept. 11th:
Henry: You really think that the U.S. wasn't behind it just to get an excuse to go for the oil?
Why waste my whole year at Sunoco testing me with your bias:
Well, it's ok to test, but it's still hard to get the truth out of me. I don't always reveal why I say the things I do, but I do try to keep things morally polarized.
Why people prejudge:
Because they're spoiled by their own stupidity and lack insight.
Why I'm saying stuff on a blog knowingly that will also affect my future job and relations with people:
Hmm.................................
Why should I care about that?:
Uh....... I'm tired, time for a nap!
'Cause it keeps my mind off mundane thoughts which drive up my anxiety e.g. my life's problems, etc.
Why it appears that I'm spoiled:
Okay... actually, you got me because I can't compare to you guys. But then again, are you really gonna compare yourselves to me, as well? Please, stop worrying about me and just worry about yourselves. Each person has to deal with their own set of problems that cannot be answered by even their close ones. If you really wanted details (which you don't) then don't bother.
Why Sept. 11th:
Henry: You really think that the U.S. wasn't behind it just to get an excuse to go for the oil?
Why waste my whole year at Sunoco testing me with your bias:
Well, it's ok to test, but it's still hard to get the truth out of me. I don't always reveal why I say the things I do, but I do try to keep things morally polarized.
Why people prejudge:
Because they're spoiled by their own stupidity and lack insight.
Why I'm saying stuff on a blog knowingly that will also affect my future job and relations with people:
Hmm.................................
Why should I care about that?:
Uh....... I'm tired, time for a nap!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Irony Hotshot
What I believe happened was a plan to not so genuinely "help" my life and to do everything all in one shot, based on the assumption that I was a cruel person for trying to contain my humour about the first time I ever saw Linda, my Sunoco coworker.
1) To vengefully humiliate me for having initially taken sight of Linda as an uncanny humourous thought.
2) To take everything away from me, friends, work, peace of mind,
3) To rebuild from a very lowly bottom that's moreso dependant and in fear of also being deprived, judged and in the future prejudged, feeling extreme guilt, living with self-pity, everyone's eyes looking down on me, career disconcertion, being left to second question everything, everyone, my cup of coffee at a restaurant... and it goes on and on, worse and worse, deeper and deeper. Especially, being left in a dark coldness to constantly pray for forgiveness while weighed down upon. In the end, everyone knows that it's about being left in absolute doubt and fear. This is the difference between being a victim and non-victim. Non-victim's don't see everything. They only see a fraction of it in all their rightness has to tell them, and don't even know that it requires too much to even get through it.
4) To favor and show allegiance towards Linda over me.
5) To cause fear in me about the community's big brother's watchful eye. Being picked on for simple human mistakes. And be fearful of all moral reprecussions. Considering how moral I am already, I find this must be hugely retorted.
6) To oppress and experimentally observe for juicy gossip. Pathetic people.
What really occurred on that day I had first met Linda and even few subsequent days later is generally all accounted for in my apology letter to her:
[ Dear Linda,
I'm writing to you because I am feeling that there are unresolved issues between us. Specifically, the first time we met each other. That was when I was doing the training with Winiffer, near shift change, and you had walked in the door. Before getting the job, everyone else had known that I was Victor's brother. That includes Louis, Stephen, Li, etc. We had not met before, but I had asked my brother about you and Li before taking the job. He told me that you and Li worked there for around 5 years. That you guys were probably in your mid thirties. He also mentioned that Li had a girlfriend and that Li was with Louis for a while. When I asked about you, the only thing my brother told me about you was that sometimes you might over-analyze things. I thought we were kind of the same people from that because I also tend to over-analyze things. This is all that I asked my brother, and you can ask him as well if at anytime I found anything of what he was saying humourous. Absolutely not. I may seem immature, because I have social anxieties and try to hide it by being silly. But deep inside, I'm actually very sensitive and sentimental.
Anyway, I don't know why, but the first time we saw each other's gaze as you came in through the door while I was speaking to Winni about my training, you gave me a very awkward, if not, cold glare with your eyes. I didn't know what to make of it because I was sure that we hadn't even met each other yet. As you came around and took your seat at the cash till, I finally realized that you must've been Linda (who works with Li). You didn't say anything to me, not even a 'Hi'. I thought you just wanted to mind your own business. But later on Winniffer introduced us and maybe we shook hands. At this moment, I found it awkward because our introduction was somewhat forced. I'm damn shy, and I thought you didn't want to bother with the simple acquaintances. Anyway, that didn't really matter to me. I thought it was a bit funny though, when you took your seat at the till because you looked a lot younger than I had thought. A little too cute to be working at a gas station. Your voice was also very sweet, the first time I heard it. I presumed you must've spoke Mandarin as well. I knew Mandarin is a soft language that is nice to hear because the words flow so easily. At least, that's what my mother had told me about the differences between Mandarin and Cantonese.
Apart from the forced introduction, I thought we would've got along alright if I could get past my shyness of girls. All my friends know that I suck around girls. I get very anxious, like they are judging me as a man - as a sturdy provider. I don't know why, but I just have that as the image of a man that I know I am not. It's just something I want to eventually become, but perhaps can't. Anyway, so Winnifer drove me up and down to check out the gas prices, which I'm sure you remember. We were both impressed by her memory skills. And as we reported the gas prices back over the phone to Sunoco, that was the end of that day.
Since, generally, I'm a shy person, it's easy to make me laugh if you're looking intently at me, or even smiling or grinning at me. I think you've perhaps taken to that as me jeering or mocking at you, but I profusely refute that! It was because you'd induced me into a stifiling laughter by your smiling glance and our general unsureness of introductions. I assure you, I have as much respect for you and I did everyone at Sunoco, and I sincerely wanted to be your friend eventually after the fog had settled.
Still, going back, later on, perhaps a few weeks later, I had asked Li to show me how to reset the car wash. I had always wanted to help Li out, and you and him know that. I always asked him sincerely if I could stay to help with anything else out, but instead, this time he told me to go home. I guessed that he was embarassed by me to keep asking him if I could stick around. In truth, I just wanted to hang around him more and get to know him. I know you heard him tell me to go home, and then subsequently, a few weeks after, that's what you said to me after every shift change. I'd ask you if everything was fine for me to go, and then you'd say 'go home'. So that was that. Whether or not you said that to spite me, I wasn't going to let myself go down because of that. I'd always say to myself "people are simply entitled to their own thoughts" whenever I go into defensive mode. In other words, if you wanted to keep telling me to go home, then surely you'd get nowhere with me because we were still generally on neutral terms.
I just want you to notice that I've changed. That I'm much more open now. That I can talk to you about anything and everything. That I'm there for you and everyone else. I'm truly sorry for all the awkwardness between us that has led us up this path. Just know that I don't love you like your husband does. But that I am moralistic. That each person should truly love each other as brothers and sisters in this small, small world.
All the best! Wil.
] end of letter
I bet the police were foolishly involved in this. And most likely, even conducted it at the will of a silly mobbing community. What you people have to understand is that the police won't take back what they've done. That is, publicly humiliating me. I'm even going to bet that it (the humiliation) has something to do with a phone call that I made to a friend. Even if they know they're in the wrong – that there's always two sides to the story. But, in the end, the decisions made to hold me accountable were biased and absolutely inexorable – thus, was never meant to be undone. It was one-sided: Judge, jury, verdict. And that, even if the incident was in actuality a huge misunderstanding, they'd hold me to the flames for it just to make as an example out to the public. I'm not even sure if the public knows I gave Linda et all a lengthy apology letter, but I still have my doubts that everyone knows for sure that that is what happened. What I'm saying is, even with all that I've already explained in great detail about my suspicions, the police would have expunged it for the community's sake. But actually, if you read it all and piece it all together, you'll find a lot more information than you can fucking handle. Live in your lies, you fuck tards.
This is why I hold such resentment towards those in authority that tried to calculate against me. In my better opinion, they are more so opportunists than truth seekers – taking the opportunity to make an example out of me without even considering how much it has damaged me deeply. It is in my faith that they will get what's coming for them, but that's as far as I go, in any case. And I'm aware that they could accuse me of being an opportunist myself, for the things I've done. It gets complicated to explain my side, and I really don't want to type out all the nitty-grittiness of it. But I'll just say, everyone has their own personal weaknesses. And people make mistakes. My mistakes weren't made with disregard to positive effort though. No matter what, judge for yourself if you actually have everything on the table. A discerning outcome, however, will not follow. You're only entitled to your limited opinions.
Resolving the matter with Linda would be my guess as the primary thing rooted in this entire situation. But that, as the secondary resolve (notwithstanding equality in importance to the primary resolve) was how my friendship with Henry went.
I had my thoughts on what a friendship should be about. I sought out to find how Henry and I were rooted together. And I did not find that we were on the same parallels. He talked much more about himself and everything else I did was an after-thought. That is why I withdrew from him, to see if even that would matter to him. I knew he had always admitted to being stubborn, but that I wanted to see him put away that stubbornism if at least for the sake of seeing my way of showing that I felt it was more healthy for me to distance from him and not remain in a “toxic relationship” (just as Dr. Phil sometimes quotes). That toxicity was, of course, a product of different contributing things. And I'm pretty sure Henry knew that I struggled with weird kinds of things anyway. But that, even then, I didn't know I had social anxiety disorder with such a debilitating degree of insecurity. I also had an inferiority complex, along with a dash of unfriendly competitiveness. One enlarged ego, too. I admit these things though because I can now probably see Henry's view. However, before, the way I balanced those weaknesses with my strengths was complicated. I saw myself in my strengths. Perhaps Henry was generally more concerned about my weaknesses. And from this kind of scrutiny going on about the “best qualities of a human being”, we've both overlooked the more subtle things that actually mattered. Still, I'll remind that I've mainly stated here what I thought were my faults from Henry's viewpoint. I will not touch on what my own personal viewpoints at the time were. It's complicated, and other things surely forgotten. Nor will I bother to mention the balances of the friendship itself. I just want you to understand, Henry, that I've matured and can see this deeply about myself now. To know thy self, as they say... I was still always your friend, man. Trust me. It took a while for me to mature this much though. My experiences at Sunoco have helped me a lot to take a look at myself. It couldn't have happened much sooner. As I've already hinted on the phone call I had with you, I wasn't up to par to even match with your more exciting life. Real insecurities. Not too long ago, my brother just asked me if you were the type of person that would be one to go out and seek his own path. I quickly told him “yes”. Good for you, Henry.
Now, let me talk about another one of those big misunderstandings between me and Henry, and everyone else who speculates against me. I know a lot of you out there probably think that I had a problem with him being so “pro-China”. That I liked to showoff my English skills, that my jokes were better, etc. First, about the jokes, sure I was a humourous smartass. We still had a great friendship though. Second, it isn't the case that I was against his pro-China attitude. Plus, you people just don't know the ordeals of a “jook-sing” who's unable to speak Chinese, and having to contend with his Chinese friends. They have their own subculture, which you are not a part of. Henry was always pro-China all the way. First, the U.S. was the enemy. Sounds like mainland China kind of brainwashing? If you're unaware of it, it's actually does happen. I would always speculate. Then a year later or so, with little earnesty he says, “I love the U.S.” Why? Because if you mess with them, then you are fucked. Obviously, they are now number one because they are so greedy vs. China always devoting resources to its neighbouring countries, and thus losing in the great economic race. And so, you have to join the enemy. And so, love the U.S.! Amusing.
Anyway, my dad was also always pro-China. I didn't mind that. I know how my dad is, but yet always wondered why not as much credit goes to Canada (the country that we're currently residing in)? I mean, there is so much to be thankful for about the free world and what it has produced... and yet I never really heard it from these guys. My dad is just used to the Chinese culture though. He's kinda old.
I always thought that China had excelled greatly because of our western influence on them. Obviously, right? Isn't it such a paradox that I was originally born and raised here, and yet seem very disconnected from the country of my ancestors? For me, quite something to behold. Still, I wouldn't root for only our country. That's because we've grown up in this highly diverse society. I'm proud of China too. Anyway, Henry did eventually add Canada to his good list of countries. Perhaps because of our western influence. He also admitted to liking to watch Married with Children, That 70's Show, Mad-TV, etc. I like those shows too.
I had asked Henry about his elementary school experiences. Mostly they were bad. He was sorely bullied by some, betrayed by another. I think only one real friend after he came out of it. That's why I would speculate that he was too pro-China and just didnt' have good western influence. For me, J. Archer is mainly the one in my childhood who showed me how great western culture was. There are others too, though. Anyway, I know he doesn't know that, but I did mention that to Henry a few times. I wanted to mainly pass my influence onto Henry as well, but that I had no problem with him being pro-China. It's just a bit of a harder challenge to see through things and be compatible with others who are already polarized. And that does apply to the both of us.
I mention these things because I'm afraid you've all got the wrong impressions of me since you're all definitely prejudice. Think I threw him under the bus? Oh well. I'm telling you guys it no matter what, and whether it applies or not because of all the obvious prejudice. If Henry said his pros and cons against me, I'll need to reveal these things. All speculation, but remember, it's because you were all prejudice and hiding things from me. It's the fault of you cowards. But, anyway, I think the asian community is against me, and I'm afraid Henry hasn't given the full details. You people all suck so bad. There is total irony, if what I'm thinking is right about why everyone has such angst against me. Anyway, just my speculations...
See, everyone is so full of this ironic bullshit. And that's what you get for being prejudice. You'll definitely get your just desserts too. Oh, I can't wait! Oh, keep saying that I'm a good person while rolling your eyes, like it's still worth nothing. Know what? Fuck it with you people.
I would only always jokingly tell him that I was always pro-U.S. because they make better television than us. (And that's just my own opinion, okay? Please, don't hold your guns to my head again, fuckers!)
By the way, I didn't learn the Chinese language for personal reasons. I know you're all so wanting to punk me off about that. Go ahead. I keep telling you people, you underestimate me by not asking me anything and everything against me, being so one-sided. I swear, you'll all get what's coming for you if that's the case. Obviously, don't worry about me more than you should worry about yourselves! Punks!
It was always hard for me to relate to you (Henry) and Simon though. Especially since I felt left out. I always knew you guys had a more natural bond. Culture would have a lot to do with it. I know you guys tried regardless, but it was always nagging at me. Forgive me. I've come to realize, as well, how you guys probably perceived me. That is, a person who thought he was funnier and a level above you guys. I'm not gonna say where those things stem from, but again, ultimately, I'm the one to blame. No matter how hard I tried to endure my time with you guys, I had real problems being in a group (of more than even 2 people) due to social anxiety and constant worries of just not being very compatible, in most cases. In truth, I only filled the void with my ego. It served to force you guys to see how different I actually was and I'm sorry for that. But even today, general socializing is still a big weakness that I'd readily admit. It's just not for me, I guess.
Regarding Linda, I think a lot of people would question why I was always so self-conscious of that embarassing incident with her. You might question why I would be so wretched with guilt. Perhaps your intuitions lead you to believe that there are yet actual original convictions of guilt in my breaths. But, please, stop reading into things on such a shallow level. I always just feel the heaviness of the entirely misunderstood situation. “You can't unring a bell”, as they say. And that, I feel the coldness of everyone's scrutiny and scorn. Everyone's prejudgements and reservations against me. Everyone being ready to cast me off due to their resentments. The inability to see through it and understand my side of the truth. The reason, again, is because after I got over the initial impressions I had of Linda, she would act nicely with me, but we still didn't see eye to eye. Probably because she thought totally vile things of me... and for me, I only felt embarrassed of the whole situation. It's not easy even my brother to get his head wrapped around that. Though personally, I always find odd humour in different places, here and there. But I didn't mean to be socially insensitive, which I'm sure I'm still being accused of. And, I do see both sides of the argument I do understand. It still isn't right, even for sake of righteousness, for someone to be hunted and have their reputation killed thusly. It is ridiculous, like rather having someone put a gun to my head. You have to understand that I will be against anyone that supports this level of vile contempt. You will suffer a consequence for it, by my faith. And again, it was all based on a misunderstanding. The first time I wanted to drive an exacto knife into my wrist, I knew that it was almost utterly hopeless for me because people already judged me with a full load of bias. I knew that I was already dead, anyway. But that I just couldn't end up piercing myself with the knife, I stopped my attempt. I suddenly realized that all I had to do was stop driving myself into despair without a fight – without at least saying a word about it on my blog and seeing what would happen. Yes, that was when I thought people were originally ganging up on me because I wasn't always a pleasant employee to everyone at Sunoco. So, I logged on, wrote concisely enough to quickly get to bed and relieve myself of the all the tension of the entire misunderstanding.
This world we live in has been both nice and cruel to me. When it's nice, it's really nice. But when it's cruel, I'm always prepared against it now since I know it can get very low. And it's true that I suffer from social anxiety disorder (SAD) – this, to a greater degree than normal. It doesn't help me, as from time to time, I can even feel lost in my own negative thoughts against the slight reactions of others. In other words, I can make the original situation even much worse for myself, which is debilitating. However, it is a struggle fought with great anguish. As an unrealized disorder, it took a toll on everything I did.
My dealings with certain customers and my former Sunoco managers were probably on the list of resolves as well, but somewhat lower in importance.
Anyway, now these things that I've admitted and will put aside, it is still my desire to commit suicide. Even with how your original plan was meant to carry out - not accounting for my degree of social anxiety - I still firmly believe that everyone whom contributed to it went way too far. You people have caused me and my family so much distress and despair. I just cannot ever forget that. I stand by to not actually reveal anything more about myself, personally. With all that has transpired, I now know my strengths and weaknesses much better than ever before. None of you shitless creatures have shown me that you can come as clean about anything that I've personally already accounted for. And thus, in reciprocation, the new me is also nothing but nothing. Good riddens, eh?
You've devilishly tipped the scales to your favor. But everything in your favor is your crutch – a necessity for you, obviously.
If anyone has any sense of decency, someone will at least owe regards to this whole situation surrounding me. Yes, I don't have any evidence on hand. Good for you guys, getting around the law, and everything. Causing me to fear for my freedoms, security and privacy. Thank-you! Why would you think I'm not going to end my life, prematurely? I've gone through everything to find out the truth. The truth was deathly, but never beyond what I could yet easily perceive ~wink. I hope that tells you something about you people.
Right now, I can be pretty sure that many are against me. I can be sure that the Asian community despises me. All the other sectional community's know of me and also despises me. I am town gossip. I highly bet this even extends into the heart of Toronto. Trust me. And even from there, it has likely spread. The damage is done. I myself have sustained heavy overall damages. Everyone that I cherish more dearly than anything has sustained heavy damages. Now be proud of yourselves or I will hate you.
In truth, I'd surmise that this was one Hell of a hate crime. Say all you want for any kind of good intentions. Not likely. No matter. Just enjoy the rest of your lives, cowards. You think I don't know that this silent inevitability hasn't at least gone on for the past year? How low can you go, huh?
You've all besmirched my good name. God willing, I will have my revenge on the many who have tipped the scales.
Wil.
1) To vengefully humiliate me for having initially taken sight of Linda as an uncanny humourous thought.
2) To take everything away from me, friends, work, peace of mind,
3) To rebuild from a very lowly bottom that's moreso dependant and in fear of also being deprived, judged and in the future prejudged, feeling extreme guilt, living with self-pity, everyone's eyes looking down on me, career disconcertion, being left to second question everything, everyone, my cup of coffee at a restaurant... and it goes on and on, worse and worse, deeper and deeper. Especially, being left in a dark coldness to constantly pray for forgiveness while weighed down upon. In the end, everyone knows that it's about being left in absolute doubt and fear. This is the difference between being a victim and non-victim. Non-victim's don't see everything. They only see a fraction of it in all their rightness has to tell them, and don't even know that it requires too much to even get through it.
4) To favor and show allegiance towards Linda over me.
5) To cause fear in me about the community's big brother's watchful eye. Being picked on for simple human mistakes. And be fearful of all moral reprecussions. Considering how moral I am already, I find this must be hugely retorted.
6) To oppress and experimentally observe for juicy gossip. Pathetic people.
What really occurred on that day I had first met Linda and even few subsequent days later is generally all accounted for in my apology letter to her:
[ Dear Linda,
I'm writing to you because I am feeling that there are unresolved issues between us. Specifically, the first time we met each other. That was when I was doing the training with Winiffer, near shift change, and you had walked in the door. Before getting the job, everyone else had known that I was Victor's brother. That includes Louis, Stephen, Li, etc. We had not met before, but I had asked my brother about you and Li before taking the job. He told me that you and Li worked there for around 5 years. That you guys were probably in your mid thirties. He also mentioned that Li had a girlfriend and that Li was with Louis for a while. When I asked about you, the only thing my brother told me about you was that sometimes you might over-analyze things. I thought we were kind of the same people from that because I also tend to over-analyze things. This is all that I asked my brother, and you can ask him as well if at anytime I found anything of what he was saying humourous. Absolutely not. I may seem immature, because I have social anxieties and try to hide it by being silly. But deep inside, I'm actually very sensitive and sentimental.
Anyway, I don't know why, but the first time we saw each other's gaze as you came in through the door while I was speaking to Winni about my training, you gave me a very awkward, if not, cold glare with your eyes. I didn't know what to make of it because I was sure that we hadn't even met each other yet. As you came around and took your seat at the cash till, I finally realized that you must've been Linda (who works with Li). You didn't say anything to me, not even a 'Hi'. I thought you just wanted to mind your own business. But later on Winniffer introduced us and maybe we shook hands. At this moment, I found it awkward because our introduction was somewhat forced. I'm damn shy, and I thought you didn't want to bother with the simple acquaintances. Anyway, that didn't really matter to me. I thought it was a bit funny though, when you took your seat at the till because you looked a lot younger than I had thought. A little too cute to be working at a gas station. Your voice was also very sweet, the first time I heard it. I presumed you must've spoke Mandarin as well. I knew Mandarin is a soft language that is nice to hear because the words flow so easily. At least, that's what my mother had told me about the differences between Mandarin and Cantonese.
Apart from the forced introduction, I thought we would've got along alright if I could get past my shyness of girls. All my friends know that I suck around girls. I get very anxious, like they are judging me as a man - as a sturdy provider. I don't know why, but I just have that as the image of a man that I know I am not. It's just something I want to eventually become, but perhaps can't. Anyway, so Winnifer drove me up and down to check out the gas prices, which I'm sure you remember. We were both impressed by her memory skills. And as we reported the gas prices back over the phone to Sunoco, that was the end of that day.
Since, generally, I'm a shy person, it's easy to make me laugh if you're looking intently at me, or even smiling or grinning at me. I think you've perhaps taken to that as me jeering or mocking at you, but I profusely refute that! It was because you'd induced me into a stifiling laughter by your smiling glance and our general unsureness of introductions. I assure you, I have as much respect for you and I did everyone at Sunoco, and I sincerely wanted to be your friend eventually after the fog had settled.
Still, going back, later on, perhaps a few weeks later, I had asked Li to show me how to reset the car wash. I had always wanted to help Li out, and you and him know that. I always asked him sincerely if I could stay to help with anything else out, but instead, this time he told me to go home. I guessed that he was embarassed by me to keep asking him if I could stick around. In truth, I just wanted to hang around him more and get to know him. I know you heard him tell me to go home, and then subsequently, a few weeks after, that's what you said to me after every shift change. I'd ask you if everything was fine for me to go, and then you'd say 'go home'. So that was that. Whether or not you said that to spite me, I wasn't going to let myself go down because of that. I'd always say to myself "people are simply entitled to their own thoughts" whenever I go into defensive mode. In other words, if you wanted to keep telling me to go home, then surely you'd get nowhere with me because we were still generally on neutral terms.
I just want you to notice that I've changed. That I'm much more open now. That I can talk to you about anything and everything. That I'm there for you and everyone else. I'm truly sorry for all the awkwardness between us that has led us up this path. Just know that I don't love you like your husband does. But that I am moralistic. That each person should truly love each other as brothers and sisters in this small, small world.
All the best! Wil.
] end of letter
I bet the police were foolishly involved in this. And most likely, even conducted it at the will of a silly mobbing community. What you people have to understand is that the police won't take back what they've done. That is, publicly humiliating me. I'm even going to bet that it (the humiliation) has something to do with a phone call that I made to a friend. Even if they know they're in the wrong – that there's always two sides to the story. But, in the end, the decisions made to hold me accountable were biased and absolutely inexorable – thus, was never meant to be undone. It was one-sided: Judge, jury, verdict. And that, even if the incident was in actuality a huge misunderstanding, they'd hold me to the flames for it just to make as an example out to the public. I'm not even sure if the public knows I gave Linda et all a lengthy apology letter, but I still have my doubts that everyone knows for sure that that is what happened. What I'm saying is, even with all that I've already explained in great detail about my suspicions, the police would have expunged it for the community's sake. But actually, if you read it all and piece it all together, you'll find a lot more information than you can fucking handle. Live in your lies, you fuck tards.
This is why I hold such resentment towards those in authority that tried to calculate against me. In my better opinion, they are more so opportunists than truth seekers – taking the opportunity to make an example out of me without even considering how much it has damaged me deeply. It is in my faith that they will get what's coming for them, but that's as far as I go, in any case. And I'm aware that they could accuse me of being an opportunist myself, for the things I've done. It gets complicated to explain my side, and I really don't want to type out all the nitty-grittiness of it. But I'll just say, everyone has their own personal weaknesses. And people make mistakes. My mistakes weren't made with disregard to positive effort though. No matter what, judge for yourself if you actually have everything on the table. A discerning outcome, however, will not follow. You're only entitled to your limited opinions.
Resolving the matter with Linda would be my guess as the primary thing rooted in this entire situation. But that, as the secondary resolve (notwithstanding equality in importance to the primary resolve) was how my friendship with Henry went.
I had my thoughts on what a friendship should be about. I sought out to find how Henry and I were rooted together. And I did not find that we were on the same parallels. He talked much more about himself and everything else I did was an after-thought. That is why I withdrew from him, to see if even that would matter to him. I knew he had always admitted to being stubborn, but that I wanted to see him put away that stubbornism if at least for the sake of seeing my way of showing that I felt it was more healthy for me to distance from him and not remain in a “toxic relationship” (just as Dr. Phil sometimes quotes). That toxicity was, of course, a product of different contributing things. And I'm pretty sure Henry knew that I struggled with weird kinds of things anyway. But that, even then, I didn't know I had social anxiety disorder with such a debilitating degree of insecurity. I also had an inferiority complex, along with a dash of unfriendly competitiveness. One enlarged ego, too. I admit these things though because I can now probably see Henry's view. However, before, the way I balanced those weaknesses with my strengths was complicated. I saw myself in my strengths. Perhaps Henry was generally more concerned about my weaknesses. And from this kind of scrutiny going on about the “best qualities of a human being”, we've both overlooked the more subtle things that actually mattered. Still, I'll remind that I've mainly stated here what I thought were my faults from Henry's viewpoint. I will not touch on what my own personal viewpoints at the time were. It's complicated, and other things surely forgotten. Nor will I bother to mention the balances of the friendship itself. I just want you to understand, Henry, that I've matured and can see this deeply about myself now. To know thy self, as they say... I was still always your friend, man. Trust me. It took a while for me to mature this much though. My experiences at Sunoco have helped me a lot to take a look at myself. It couldn't have happened much sooner. As I've already hinted on the phone call I had with you, I wasn't up to par to even match with your more exciting life. Real insecurities. Not too long ago, my brother just asked me if you were the type of person that would be one to go out and seek his own path. I quickly told him “yes”. Good for you, Henry.
Now, let me talk about another one of those big misunderstandings between me and Henry, and everyone else who speculates against me. I know a lot of you out there probably think that I had a problem with him being so “pro-China”. That I liked to showoff my English skills, that my jokes were better, etc. First, about the jokes, sure I was a humourous smartass. We still had a great friendship though. Second, it isn't the case that I was against his pro-China attitude. Plus, you people just don't know the ordeals of a “jook-sing” who's unable to speak Chinese, and having to contend with his Chinese friends. They have their own subculture, which you are not a part of. Henry was always pro-China all the way. First, the U.S. was the enemy. Sounds like mainland China kind of brainwashing? If you're unaware of it, it's actually does happen. I would always speculate. Then a year later or so, with little earnesty he says, “I love the U.S.” Why? Because if you mess with them, then you are fucked. Obviously, they are now number one because they are so greedy vs. China always devoting resources to its neighbouring countries, and thus losing in the great economic race. And so, you have to join the enemy. And so, love the U.S.! Amusing.
Anyway, my dad was also always pro-China. I didn't mind that. I know how my dad is, but yet always wondered why not as much credit goes to Canada (the country that we're currently residing in)? I mean, there is so much to be thankful for about the free world and what it has produced... and yet I never really heard it from these guys. My dad is just used to the Chinese culture though. He's kinda old.
I always thought that China had excelled greatly because of our western influence on them. Obviously, right? Isn't it such a paradox that I was originally born and raised here, and yet seem very disconnected from the country of my ancestors? For me, quite something to behold. Still, I wouldn't root for only our country. That's because we've grown up in this highly diverse society. I'm proud of China too. Anyway, Henry did eventually add Canada to his good list of countries. Perhaps because of our western influence. He also admitted to liking to watch Married with Children, That 70's Show, Mad-TV, etc. I like those shows too.
I had asked Henry about his elementary school experiences. Mostly they were bad. He was sorely bullied by some, betrayed by another. I think only one real friend after he came out of it. That's why I would speculate that he was too pro-China and just didnt' have good western influence. For me, J. Archer is mainly the one in my childhood who showed me how great western culture was. There are others too, though. Anyway, I know he doesn't know that, but I did mention that to Henry a few times. I wanted to mainly pass my influence onto Henry as well, but that I had no problem with him being pro-China. It's just a bit of a harder challenge to see through things and be compatible with others who are already polarized. And that does apply to the both of us.
I mention these things because I'm afraid you've all got the wrong impressions of me since you're all definitely prejudice. Think I threw him under the bus? Oh well. I'm telling you guys it no matter what, and whether it applies or not because of all the obvious prejudice. If Henry said his pros and cons against me, I'll need to reveal these things. All speculation, but remember, it's because you were all prejudice and hiding things from me. It's the fault of you cowards. But, anyway, I think the asian community is against me, and I'm afraid Henry hasn't given the full details. You people all suck so bad. There is total irony, if what I'm thinking is right about why everyone has such angst against me. Anyway, just my speculations...
See, everyone is so full of this ironic bullshit. And that's what you get for being prejudice. You'll definitely get your just desserts too. Oh, I can't wait! Oh, keep saying that I'm a good person while rolling your eyes, like it's still worth nothing. Know what? Fuck it with you people.
I would only always jokingly tell him that I was always pro-U.S. because they make better television than us. (And that's just my own opinion, okay? Please, don't hold your guns to my head again, fuckers!)
By the way, I didn't learn the Chinese language for personal reasons. I know you're all so wanting to punk me off about that. Go ahead. I keep telling you people, you underestimate me by not asking me anything and everything against me, being so one-sided. I swear, you'll all get what's coming for you if that's the case. Obviously, don't worry about me more than you should worry about yourselves! Punks!
It was always hard for me to relate to you (Henry) and Simon though. Especially since I felt left out. I always knew you guys had a more natural bond. Culture would have a lot to do with it. I know you guys tried regardless, but it was always nagging at me. Forgive me. I've come to realize, as well, how you guys probably perceived me. That is, a person who thought he was funnier and a level above you guys. I'm not gonna say where those things stem from, but again, ultimately, I'm the one to blame. No matter how hard I tried to endure my time with you guys, I had real problems being in a group (of more than even 2 people) due to social anxiety and constant worries of just not being very compatible, in most cases. In truth, I only filled the void with my ego. It served to force you guys to see how different I actually was and I'm sorry for that. But even today, general socializing is still a big weakness that I'd readily admit. It's just not for me, I guess.
Regarding Linda, I think a lot of people would question why I was always so self-conscious of that embarassing incident with her. You might question why I would be so wretched with guilt. Perhaps your intuitions lead you to believe that there are yet actual original convictions of guilt in my breaths. But, please, stop reading into things on such a shallow level. I always just feel the heaviness of the entirely misunderstood situation. “You can't unring a bell”, as they say. And that, I feel the coldness of everyone's scrutiny and scorn. Everyone's prejudgements and reservations against me. Everyone being ready to cast me off due to their resentments. The inability to see through it and understand my side of the truth. The reason, again, is because after I got over the initial impressions I had of Linda, she would act nicely with me, but we still didn't see eye to eye. Probably because she thought totally vile things of me... and for me, I only felt embarrassed of the whole situation. It's not easy even my brother to get his head wrapped around that. Though personally, I always find odd humour in different places, here and there. But I didn't mean to be socially insensitive, which I'm sure I'm still being accused of. And, I do see both sides of the argument I do understand. It still isn't right, even for sake of righteousness, for someone to be hunted and have their reputation killed thusly. It is ridiculous, like rather having someone put a gun to my head. You have to understand that I will be against anyone that supports this level of vile contempt. You will suffer a consequence for it, by my faith. And again, it was all based on a misunderstanding. The first time I wanted to drive an exacto knife into my wrist, I knew that it was almost utterly hopeless for me because people already judged me with a full load of bias. I knew that I was already dead, anyway. But that I just couldn't end up piercing myself with the knife, I stopped my attempt. I suddenly realized that all I had to do was stop driving myself into despair without a fight – without at least saying a word about it on my blog and seeing what would happen. Yes, that was when I thought people were originally ganging up on me because I wasn't always a pleasant employee to everyone at Sunoco. So, I logged on, wrote concisely enough to quickly get to bed and relieve myself of the all the tension of the entire misunderstanding.
This world we live in has been both nice and cruel to me. When it's nice, it's really nice. But when it's cruel, I'm always prepared against it now since I know it can get very low. And it's true that I suffer from social anxiety disorder (SAD) – this, to a greater degree than normal. It doesn't help me, as from time to time, I can even feel lost in my own negative thoughts against the slight reactions of others. In other words, I can make the original situation even much worse for myself, which is debilitating. However, it is a struggle fought with great anguish. As an unrealized disorder, it took a toll on everything I did.
My dealings with certain customers and my former Sunoco managers were probably on the list of resolves as well, but somewhat lower in importance.
Anyway, now these things that I've admitted and will put aside, it is still my desire to commit suicide. Even with how your original plan was meant to carry out - not accounting for my degree of social anxiety - I still firmly believe that everyone whom contributed to it went way too far. You people have caused me and my family so much distress and despair. I just cannot ever forget that. I stand by to not actually reveal anything more about myself, personally. With all that has transpired, I now know my strengths and weaknesses much better than ever before. None of you shitless creatures have shown me that you can come as clean about anything that I've personally already accounted for. And thus, in reciprocation, the new me is also nothing but nothing. Good riddens, eh?
You've devilishly tipped the scales to your favor. But everything in your favor is your crutch – a necessity for you, obviously.
If anyone has any sense of decency, someone will at least owe regards to this whole situation surrounding me. Yes, I don't have any evidence on hand. Good for you guys, getting around the law, and everything. Causing me to fear for my freedoms, security and privacy. Thank-you! Why would you think I'm not going to end my life, prematurely? I've gone through everything to find out the truth. The truth was deathly, but never beyond what I could yet easily perceive ~wink. I hope that tells you something about you people.
Right now, I can be pretty sure that many are against me. I can be sure that the Asian community despises me. All the other sectional community's know of me and also despises me. I am town gossip. I highly bet this even extends into the heart of Toronto. Trust me. And even from there, it has likely spread. The damage is done. I myself have sustained heavy overall damages. Everyone that I cherish more dearly than anything has sustained heavy damages. Now be proud of yourselves or I will hate you.
In truth, I'd surmise that this was one Hell of a hate crime. Say all you want for any kind of good intentions. Not likely. No matter. Just enjoy the rest of your lives, cowards. You think I don't know that this silent inevitability hasn't at least gone on for the past year? How low can you go, huh?
You've all besmirched my good name. God willing, I will have my revenge on the many who have tipped the scales.
Wil.
My deathly gaze
You people have not won anything.
But I know what you think you've won.
What makes you happy doesn't hurt me.
It's something else that hurts me deeply.
And you will keep underestimating me.
This goes beyond my losses.
The future that was snatched away.
The potential, wasted.
I swear, I don't even know what to do with you either.
I must dig the rubble of one year's past and see where to go from there.
But I know what you think you've won.
What makes you happy doesn't hurt me.
It's something else that hurts me deeply.
And you will keep underestimating me.
This goes beyond my losses.
The future that was snatched away.
The potential, wasted.
I swear, I don't even know what to do with you either.
I must dig the rubble of one year's past and see where to go from there.
DFWM
I know what you people like, and don't like.
I know what you people are, and are not.
DFWM (don't forget Wil's morals).
I know what you people are, and are not.
DFWM (don't forget Wil's morals).
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